I owe you so much. So many apologies to start … like for tonight. For not calling when I said I would. Thing is, I couldn’t bring myself to call you at 3am because I’m not sure how I would have said goodbye. Yeah 3am. I know I said after the show but we had some VIP thing with some people from the label. Sort of a command performance. I should have sent you a message but I kept thinking I’d leave any minute now and call you.
Believe me baby, I’d rather spend hours talking to you than in the company of others, putting on my fake smile and artificial charm … not that anyone can tell.
So many dark thoughts, I never realised how much light you brought in my life until you weren’t here. Sounds strange since I’ve only had you for such a short time, still less than a year. When I think back to the time before you, I see the man I am becoming now, without you here. I don’t talk much unless it’s about music, I crave my solitude. I’m so fucked up, as much as I want to talk to you I can’t bring myself to call you most days. Instead I sit alone and write and think. I know that talking to you will make me better, you have that affect on me, but I don’t want to be better without you here.
I don’t know if you’d recognise the me that talks to fans and poses for selfies. The man who drank champagne like it was water while talking to someone important from the label. The man who didn’t blink when being introduced to the girlfriend of a married man. He knows all the right words to say. He’s the man you helped me be but not the man you know. Hell, I don’t know him half the time.
That sounds so fucked up but that’s so me baby. I wish I could say that I’ll call you when I wake up but I’m already making excuses … I want to be a better man for you, maybe I should wait until then to call you. Maybe I should just send you these words so you can see who I really am. Then you’d understand why you deserve better.